Oh, hey. A visual metaphor. What you can't see is what happens next which is her falling head first into one that's right next to it.
According to Dr. Robin Dunbar of the University of Oxford, the only amount of friends you need are 3 - 5 for "optimal wellbeing". While this is agreeable to an extent, limiting yourself to this amount of friends would make life extremely difficult. As humans, we are social animals and being high up on the social scale is how you get far in life. For some, this is an absolute piece of piss but for others, there's an arduous journey to achieve this and when it is achieved, it comes with many ordeals along the way. The 3 - 5 figure might be more akin to how many people you'd consider close friends rather than every friend in your life. This resonates well alongside an article by Zoe Williams of the Guardian about close friends, interviewing different people of different walks of like and their number of close friends being around that 3 - 5 number. While you would favour your close friends over any other kind, there's still many pressures surrounding the different groups you associate with and I hope to explore this today, giving my own personal experiences as a sort of footing. (Sorry if this isn't comedic but I might throw in an arse joke somewhere).
In social interactions, there's this idea of performance as in you accord yourself depending on the situation such as not swearing in front of grandparents or using simplified language when you're talking to a young child. The situation you're in dictates how you act and it's ridiculous how much you can change depending on the group of people you're with, even though you regard these groups on similar terms. For example, I have friends from college and school who have merged together and created a group, a group of university friends and a couple of groups of friends online. I can say, without hesitation, I'm almost a completely different person in each of these groups. I'd argue this causes a clash of my personality. One moment, I'm an apathetic entity making the snarky, dry comment every now and then and the next, I'm a screaming shitposting idiot. Because I have a good idea of what the different groups of people are like, this makes it difficult to be consistent in every social situation I'm in. The best factor that proves this is who I hug. I am a very hesitant person so I'm cautious about who I hug just in case they don't like it... unless they're online friends. If I meet an online friend in real life, unless it's painfully obvious they're not that kind of person, I don't put any restraint on hugging them, no matter what other factors come into play. In real life, I am only comfortable hugging one person because I know the feeling is mutual but I don't hug anyone apart of the same friendship group, the uni friends, because I have those assumptions that they might think it's weird or I'm upsetting them in some way if I try to nor have they given any prompt that they'd want to so I always assume they don't. I also never hug anyone in my college / school friendship group despite knowing most of them the longest as I assume everyone is on a similar social page where we just keep to ourselves and mumble about video games rather than ourselves.
In social interactions, there's this idea of performance as in you accord yourself depending on the situation such as not swearing in front of grandparents or using simplified language when you're talking to a young child. The situation you're in dictates how you act and it's ridiculous how much you can change depending on the group of people you're with, even though you regard these groups on similar terms. For example, I have friends from college and school who have merged together and created a group, a group of university friends and a couple of groups of friends online. I can say, without hesitation, I'm almost a completely different person in each of these groups. I'd argue this causes a clash of my personality. One moment, I'm an apathetic entity making the snarky, dry comment every now and then and the next, I'm a screaming shitposting idiot. Because I have a good idea of what the different groups of people are like, this makes it difficult to be consistent in every social situation I'm in. The best factor that proves this is who I hug. I am a very hesitant person so I'm cautious about who I hug just in case they don't like it... unless they're online friends. If I meet an online friend in real life, unless it's painfully obvious they're not that kind of person, I don't put any restraint on hugging them, no matter what other factors come into play. In real life, I am only comfortable hugging one person because I know the feeling is mutual but I don't hug anyone apart of the same friendship group, the uni friends, because I have those assumptions that they might think it's weird or I'm upsetting them in some way if I try to nor have they given any prompt that they'd want to so I always assume they don't. I also never hug anyone in my college / school friendship group despite knowing most of them the longest as I assume everyone is on a similar social page where we just keep to ourselves and mumble about video games rather than ourselves.
Yeah, friends! What kind of playgroup has only 4 kids anyway?
Many factors come into play also that affect your performance. According to YouGov, one in four students suffer from a mental health disorder. There is a huge spectrum of mental health disorders but one big one is social anxiety. Social anxiety also has a large spectrum but will always affect daily life in some manner ranging from panic attacks, lack of eye contact, being weary about things you say even if they're harmless or even struggling to leave your house. Some signs make people assume the worst when they show like they've done something wrong or you come off as a rude person (or if you're the Equality and Diversity division of Oxford University, you're fucking racist, apparently) which makes finding new friends difficult and also makes keeping current friends arguably as difficult. It's hard to interject or express if you're not comfortable doing so in that group of friends just in case you end up offending, annoying or giving them negative signs. I feel this the most with my university friends. I am the most reserved when I'm with them but the most obnoxious around online friends, the school / college group being a weird inbetween. The positive of being in a reserved environment is that I find it a lot easier to talk about touchy subjects such as my anxiety. I rarely talk about this with the school / college group because I assume they don't care and I don't want to throw something out of left field. I've spoken about it with a couple of friends from that group; one seemed like he didn't really understand (or cared for that matter) and the other was shocked I was susceptible to panic attacks. I told him this around 4 days before writing this when I've been prone to them for almost 2 years now. It's just never a thing that's ever talked about which could be dangerous in general as we should be talking about mental health to remove the stigma around it and make those with problems feel like they're not alone. Many it could be attributed to factors such as gender roles or societal norms but whatever it is, it sucks.
Contact is a big factor. A lack of or even too much contact may be a huge hindrance on the relationship. There's this pressure to be there for friends and while it is natural to be there for people you care about, there's always the worry that it becomes too much and ends up being annoying. No matter how much you're assured it's fine, there is still that worry. I've had times where people just don't respond to Facebook messages or I've tried to arrange meetings and been turned down by every person I asked and I assume the absolute worst, then have to be reaffirmed that I'm not being annoying and that I'm fine with the group but there will always be that itch in the back of my head that would say otherwise. It is very hard to find a balance between the right amount of contact where there not being enough implies you don't care and being too much where it's overbearing or obnoxious. It also depends on every single person so there's no sure fire method of what to do in every situation. Unless there are very obvious indicators on what to do, it's a shot in the dark on what you do or don't do and either being the best response. The pressure to be there for friends also results in feeling useless because you're unable to help in some way, even if you ask if there's any way to do so. You leaving them alone may be enough but there's always that weird obligation in your head to try and help with no clue what that mindset will end up causing.
One of the biggest struggles in a mixed friendship group is that there will always be favourites and "those who shall not be named". What I mean by favourites is that some in the group would be favoured more over others which may exclude others. This honestly can't be helped as some people just instantly click with another but when the whole group isn't together, this fear comes up of if you're not wanted or if you're doing it yourself, the fear that the other person might not feel comfortable. For "those who shall not be named", usually in a group, it's assumed that if one person dislikes someone, the others should too which means picking sides. Everyone is guilty of this, myself included, and there's always the fear of upsetting at least one side if you choose to interact with the other and sometimes makes you behave irrationally. Again, first hand experience that I'm not proud of. This is one of the things that has actually stuck from primary school friendships but it just had to be a bloody negative one.
Friendship is like an exploding carrot. It has that pleasant exterior but internally, it's a stick of dynamite in a carrot. Couldn't think of a clever simile, just wanted an excuse to use this picture.
However, friendship has all these struggles but it's all honestly worth it in the end. These are just a trade off to possibly the best relationships of your life. It may be painful sometimes and mentally crippling but it really pays off. I find it difficult sometimes to even fathom the kind of friends I have and wonder what I did in a past life to deserve them but I am just glad I have them and also thankful for those I eventually find out aren't those nice people and are able to cut them from my life.
This is just my take on the situation. Of course, it differs for everyone but hoping this has struck a chord with some in hopes of saying you're not on your own if you have these worries. I would try and make things sound better by saying life would be boring if it was easy but that's a load of bollocks no-one wants to really swear by. Also, no arse joke. I apologise.
Dedicated to my friends, whether they be in passing, close or anything in between. Cheers for tolerating me for this long, guys <3
